After 38 days of being emergency room free, our streak was broken on Tuesday night. I thought that maybe those days were behind us, but I guess they're not... Ben had a seizure Tuesday night and we're not completely sure why this time. We think it has something to do with the level of anti seizure meds in his blood so now we will try and fix this issue. There's always something, isn't there??? Just when you think you can let down your guard a bit because you've taken care of the last problem, something new comes up to bite you right in the ass!
I'm tired of seeing my boy have to go through this, I'm tired of sitting in ERs waiting to see a different doctor everytime, I am sooo tired of waiting for the next one to happen and most of all I'm tired of starting to feel safe again only to be proved wrong... (please excuse my ranting...it needs to come out!!) On Tuesday night, watching Ben sleep in the hospital bed in the ER, I began thinking about how used to this whole process we have become. We know ambulance drivers, EMTs, nurses, etc. by their faces... we say things like "oh yeah, you were here last time" or "last time I got to sit in the back of the ambulance." I was thinking how no one should have to go through the fear and everything else that comes with having a child who has a serious illness. But then I also thought about other people who might look at me and say "Really - you've only been to the ER 5 times! We spend everyday at the hospital with our child..." We did not have to stay overnight in the hospital this time, but Nick packed a perfect overnight bag just in case... (The first overnight in the hospital, Nick had to go back to our house 3 different times to get things that we had forgotten we would need.. now he's a pro!) We learn more with every seizure that Ben has. I know that the trick now will be all about finding the right medication and the right dosage.
I get it... I am not in control. I can fix a problem when it comes along, but I can't keep the next one from coming. It's hard... knowing that I will witness more seizures in my child, hoping that he will be able to start breathing again when the seizure stops, hoping that the seizure doesn't last too long, hoping that he will be able to look me in the eyes afterward so that I know that he's going to be okay... doing all of this in those 2 minutes it takes for his brain to shut down his body... hoping all of these things while I helplessly watch him... Ahhhhh... We have done all we can... the rest isn't up to us... I get it...
(Thanks for listening...) And thank you to all of you who have been there WITH us through this... you give us strength and love - 2 things that we can always use more of but are never in short supply of around here!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment